Natasha Kendal, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

Individual Couple & Family Therapy | Intensive Home & School-Based Parent Coaching

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Parenting Advice – The Big Secret

Friends, family, and clients often ask me the same question – what is the best bit of parenting wisdom and advice I received and can pass on to them? That’s a tough question to answer, as it appears that every family is different, and every child has unique challenges and needs, and yet – there is one universal truth that works in every single instance. Here is the big secret – parenting is all about the RELATIONSHIP. That’s it! Are you surprised? Disappointed? Feel duped? Did you expect some formula to make your toddler’s meltdowns less epic or your teen’s tongue less sarcastic? Nope – you got RELATIONSHIP instead.

            Let me try to explain what I mean. I believe that in EVERY interaction, EVERY situation (both positive and negative), you must strive to preserve and deepen the relationship with your child. Now, I don’t mean that you should maintain peace and happiness at all costs – if your tween’s outfit needs to be changed, she won’t be happy to hear this; if your teen is out past curfew and gets grounded, he will howl; if your preschooler hurts someone and has to have a consequence, she will be outraged – and yet in every one of these situations, you, the parent, can act in such a way that your relationship with our child is strengthened and deepened, not frayed.

            In very basic terms, you must turn TOWARDS your child and demonstrate to them that regardless of their choices and behavior, they are cherished and valued by you. This might take many guises:

–greeting your child enthusiastically and warmly (without a phone in your hand) after every absence;

–knowing all their friends/teachers/imaginary friends/fictional characters by name;

–making a big deal out of daily happy events;

–making a very big deal out of slightly less daily happy events;

–creating rituals of connection and belonging;

–never making a child and his/her needs to feel like a burden to you;

–no name-calling and never putting down or insulting the child after a mistake or misstep;

–lots of hugs and physical touch if your child likes that;

–lots of little gifts and special presents (not necessarily purchased) if your child likes that;

–expressing gratitude for being a parent and for having them in your life;

–expressing awe at their accomplishments and achievements;

–allowing age-appropriate freedoms which demonstrate your trust in them and their abilities;

–separating your approval from their grades, athletic performance or other accomplishments.

Truly, the list goes on and on. Yes, some are easier said than done, especially when under duress of little sleep and lots of commitments – but (and I promise this), the RELATIONSHIP-based parenting will be the most rewarding part of your and your child’s life. If you want to hear more wisdom on this subject, I highly recommend “Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate.

Why Therapy?

“What will therapy actually do for me?” “I don’t know if it’s going to work.” “My problems aren’t that bad.” Sound familiar? Before I experienced therapy myself, these were common thoughts I would tell myself to perpetuate the stigma that therapy is ineffective, and it definitely won’t work for me. I’m here to tell you why that’s just not true.

Research by Alice Walton, Ph.D.,  (2017) tells us that not only does therapy work, but it can also actually change your brain structure by rewiring the neural pathways in your brain. The rewiring of your neural pathways enhances the connectivity between various regions of the brain, such as our prefrontal cortex (in charge of higher-level thinking and reasoning), and our amygdala (our fear and emotion center of the brain). So when we experience a negative or stressful event, therapy increases the chance that you will be able to tap into your reasoning and logic part of your brain, instead of depending on your emotions to make decisions.

We have learned that our brain is quite malleable and changeable. Research has also shown us that the size of our amygdala (fear center) can actually decrease in size when a person has gained the right tools and strategies to regulate their emotions. These are just a few examples of how our brain can physically change, for the better, due to the effects of therapy. 

Still not convinced? The Anxiety and Depression Association of America tells us that anxiety disorders affect 40 million adults in the United States, age 18 and older; and globally, 1 in 13 suffers from anxiety. Although anxiety is highly treatable, specifically through CBT, only 36.9% of those diagnosed actually get treatment. Let’s not even get started on depression. It is estimated that 322 people worldwide suffer from depression. Both anxiety and depression are highly treatable, with therapeutic interventions relieving 50-75% of symptoms of both disorders. 

Are you ready to finally feel some relief? Give us a call at 248-256-5044.

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (www.adaa.org) 

Walton, Alice G. (2017) Ph.D. in Biopsychology and Behavioral Neuroscience at CUNY Graduate Center.

World Health Organization (www.who.it) 

Goal-Setting for the New Year

DOWNLOAD YOUR VISION BOARD HERE!

Happy New Year!

Not only are we into a new year, we have entered a whole new decade. If you are at all similar to me, when I stop and think about what has occurred in my life over the last 10 years, I feel like a whole lifetime has gone by. I would like to challenge you to take a moment to consider all the changes that have taken place in YOUR life. Are these changes desirable or undesirable? A result of your plans and actions or outside of your control?

As we enter this new decade, it’s important to take stock of how far we’ve come, and give yourself credit for successes and accomplishments in the last year and decade. It is also time to dream a little about where you want to see yourselves a the end of 2029. Research shows that those who write down their goals and dreams in vivid detail, have a much better chance of achieving them.  Several years ago, my friends talked me into a “vision board” exercise. Basically, your task is to look through hundreds of images and choose those that really speak to you – and create a piece of art (a board) with all of those images on it.

I was skeptical (to be fair, I am usually skeptical of adult arts and crafts projects), but my vision board came out great. And here is a truly awesome thing – every now and again I see my board again, and I am struck anew by the beautiful and meaningful imagery I chose – from hand-made quilts (my mom and I are quilters), to a couple playing tennis (like I do twice a week), to endless serene outdoor images – my vision board re-energizes me to keep reaching for my goals. I challenge you to arm yourself with magazines, a Bristol board, some friends and a bottle of a beverage of your choice – and create something beautiful and meaningful.

We’ve included a low-impact, downloadable vision board in this blog (ABOVE) for anyone who wants to try one!

The flip side of planning a future is letting go of the past – what do YOU need to let go of?What relationships are toxic and causing you emotional or psychological harm? What do you need to create space for? Who do you need to forgive, to unload some bitterness and anger? Who do you need to seek forgiveness from?

May this year bring you all the hope and love that you need. Happy New year!

If you need help with inspiration, support and a listening ear to  jump-start this year and decade, call us at 248-536-4641, or Contact Us online.

By: Hillary Nusbaum and Natasha Kendal

Props for Parents

Reaching Your Child During Severe Anxiety

Anxiety is by far the number one presenting problem in our office, for both adults and children alike. Sometimes the anxiety gets so strong and painful that it manifests itself in extreme behaviors and presents itself like anger. In my 10 years as a school social worker, I’ve seen children yelling at staff, tipping chairs and tables, throwing items, and hitting people. The root cause of these behaviors can be anxiety and lack of ability to recognize and regulate emotions.

When emotions are heightened, the child’s brain goes into “survival brain,” and  logic, reasoning, and complex-thinking part of their brain (frontal cortex) shuts off. When this happens, a child (or adult) is unable to process new information and they will not be “talked out of” their meltdown.  An adult can, however, help by asking the child is to tap into their sensory brain, located in the brain stem, otherwise known as “survival brain.”

“Grounding” is a technique that people who have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) find very useful to bring them back to the present time, instead of getting trapped in flashbacks or nightmares.

I have been introducing this technique to kids in order to help bring them back to the present. I will simply ask:

Can you tell me three things you see right now?

What do you smell in the air right now?

What are your hands touching?

Can you taste something right now?

Asking panicking, out-of-control children to engage their senses and their sensory brain, allows them to center themselves in the present time, which will ultimately help them self-regulate better.

By: Hillary Nusbaum, L.M.S.W.

New in 2020: Tele-Therapy!

Convenience, Comfort, Connection

We have a fantastic announcement to make at Natasha Kendal and Associates! As of early 2020, we have added  tele-therapy to our traditional face-to-face modality of therapy!

Skeptical? Consider this:

1. It’s convenient! Don’t fight traffic, don’t worry about getting to the session on time- just sit in your couch in the comfort of your own home.

2. It’s private and HIPAA compliant. The phone call is secure,  and you can feel safe knowing it’s as private as sitting in an in-person session.

3. It decreases anxiety for clients who are prone to getting anxiety in social situations.

4. If you travel on business or for pleasure, if you spend winters away (lucky!), if you are a college student, if you are home with a sick child – your therapist is available to you in your own living room!

Want to know more? Psychology Today wrote a great article detailing 14 reasons why tele-therapy is a good choice. Read the article HERE.

Call us at 248-536-4641 and ask to speak with Dr. Kendal, our clinical director, or Contact Us online.